Updated: Apr 15, 2020
Here we are....some of us only recently 'sheltering in place' and some of us....well....in various ways....a LOT more experience with isolation.
In our isolation we are faced daily with sometimes overwhelming emotional, mental and physical challenges....even if we don't follow every single word of news on Covid-19 and the current global pandemic, the local and national political scene.....
We are still faced with loss of income, loss of connection, loss of 'normal', loss of.....well....let's just name it.....
So fear follows us like a shadow follows us....and we can find one thing, ten things, one thousand things to make that fear shadow grow so large that it looms over us like a monster...and we are certain that we will be swallowed up at any moment from the sheer size of it.
I'm right there with you sometimes....
here's a little story for you:
As some of you know...I had started to spend time with a man...a kind guy and very creative...and also quite uncertain about what he actually wants in relationship. To be forthcoming...I have not been specific beyond companionship and creativity and kindness...so that is what I have gotten....up to the past five weeks anyway.
He has of course physically pulled away as 'Stay At Home' has become the good citizen thing to do...but has also drifted in attention.
The previous compliments and contact that were frequent have often become: "Good Morning" - "Good Night"
Fear and something like 'high school' grasping at straws when being 'dumped' began to claw at me.
Fear about old stuff...you know...'not enough'....'too much'....blah blah (amazing that at my age I can still roll those old 8-track tapes out to play outdated and wobbly tunes of unworthiness.
Those are easier to deal with....I'm simply out of practice with 'dating' but I am a WHOLE and Fierce Woman with no need to think that I am anything less than magnificent as I am...take it or leave it! HA!!!
But more insidious is the fear of being 'Alone'
I've talked a little about that...but I had a day...on Saturday
All I could see was me sick (not necessarily with Covid because that is unlikely at this point unless I behave irresponsibly with my health and well being)
All I could see was me injured (don't ask how...don't know....but fear has LOTS of pictures to paint)
All I could see was me alone and no one would come and help because of their fear
All I could see was no family close enough to come aid me
Now it is not true...I do have someone who is family who would be here in a heartbeat if I needed him. I do have trusted friends...even one right across the street...who would be here if I needed. I AM healthy and have resources right here in my home for mitigating fever and viral symptoms. (and the knowledge to use them)
But there is where the mind went.
Out of the moment
Out of the safe moment I am in
and out into the Twilight Zone, Dark Mirror world of imagination
The Shadow larger than large and me sinking into despair and pain and heart pounding anxiety and tears...bursting through my skin and into an oblivion that if I took a moment to reflect on how many times in the past almost 11 months I have felt like there is nothing to fear in death...so 'take me now'.....I think....WOW! that was one hell of a story I just created.
That is what we do
We create stories of the future...based on the past and the stories of others and we have absolutely NO way to know if there is any truth to them. But as David would say, "It gives me something to do."
He would tell his patients that all the time. "Oh...you've made up a story! Good for you! It gives you something to do!" and then they would either laugh...realizing that they were feeling about a story they created like we do when we watch a movie or theater....having gotten caught up in the narrative.....OR....they would get angry that he was dismissing their fears or feelings. Occasionally they would walk away bewildered...not able to grasp the Holy Fool's wisdom.
So here we are....some of us in grief because someone we loved has died...and we are still moving into our healing and the isolation may intensify that grief...it has for me.
Or we are grieving the loss of income, connection, job, mobility, certainty, health, wellbeing....so many things.
Some are newly baptized into the death of a loved one with NO way to have support in their grief....no 'normal'
Some are in constant fear for their loved ones working on the front line of this pandemic.
Some are trapped in dangerous domestic situations where their ability to get away from abusers is limited or impossible.
So many new griefs and so many uncertainties......
If we can actually help in some way...then let us do it. One friend has sewn over 1,000 masks. Someone else I know does grocery shopping for at risk folks. Someone else writes congressmen and women and mobilizes food banks and others donate money to make certain that kids get fed. Some of us can create and share music and art online.....I played for a benefit last Saturday (yes, when I was a sopping, teary mess of self-pity and fear). And some of us....pray...because it is something we can do for everyone...for the earth and all her beings.
I say....lay it out there......look at it all....shine a light into the dark corners so the shadow does not seem so large.....say a prayer of recognition for the pain and the tears and questions and anger and fears.....just lay it before whatever Divine source you call upon...or if you have none of that....then lay it out like a story.....and give those characters, including yourself, an ending that you can live with. It gives you something to do. It gives US something to do.
That Holy Fool is right you know....
( The Song is 'Listen' ©AtLast1 Music 2020 - jazzdakini.com)