I've been listening to David Kessler's new podcast: "Healing".
This particular episode is with young Medium, Tyler Henry.
Many of us, in grief, seek some assurance that our person is ok, safe, feeling loved, not in pain in any way. We are in so much pain of separation ourselves....that unless we have a religious perspective that we can mount our faith on, that there IS a Heaven and an Afterlife that is beautiful and filled with nothing but love and joy...we find ourselves worrying for them...for their eternal soul. AND...questioning whether the soul is eternal at all.
I've often questioned what happened to David once he left his physical body. I was there. I watched it happen. And yet, I don't KNOW what happened. It was as though a light switch was turned off...only no way of turning it back on again. The bulb burned out...the electrical source cut off.
This distressed me in a gut-wrenching way and for some time I would feel envious of those whose faith gave them a comfort of 'knowing' that allowed them to find solid ground on which to stand.
Meanwhile...I felt the Void tugging at me. Standing on nothing. Standing on the liminal Ground of Being, at risk of being sucked away at any moment....any second.
I heard all the platitudes and all the speculations. "He's in a better place now." "He is not in pain." "God wanted another angel." "Grief is just love with nowhere to go." (I do so personally hate that one!) "You'll get over this someday." "You have to just let go. He wouldn't want you to be sad." "I think he knew he was going to die because the last time I saw him, he.....(fill in the blank)."
There are so many more and they are all designed to minimize how and what you are feeling. They are all designed to tell you that your pain is unwarranted, uncomfortable, a downer....etc.
Some of that is cultural ignorance and fear...and some of it is history.
There was a time in our more recent past, around the first and then second world wars, that we often did not have the time or support for grieving in the proscribed ways of honoring the dead.
Yet here we are....the Grieflings, whose person or people are gone from this Life, longing to have a continuing connection with them.
Sometimes we seek the experience of a Medium who might give us the gift of some unknowable bit of information that assures us that our person is still somehow individuated enough to communicate with us from the AfterLife.
I had a reading this week myself. Something I had been on a waiting list for for a long time. Each Medium is different....with their own unique way of accessing those on the 'other side'. In this case she would see David in our home and then in her apartment. At one point she told me that he was standing before a Japanese print she had on her wall. She asked me if he had a connection to Japan or to Asia.
Well yeah! Then she told me he was drawing a spiral in her palm and asked me if that meant something to me. UH! Yeah!
David learned and taught Qi Gong from a Chinese Master and the spiral is both representative of Qi and of the spiral he carved for me from bone AND the Hawaiian Piko and we definitely had a connection to that place.
So for me it felt like a win. It was comforting and on the heels of a dream in which I heard David say, "It is immersion, not dissolution." That felt like him telling me that some part of who he is now is still David....whatever that means now.
Now whether you want to visit a Medium or not is entirely up to you. Not one of us....no Griever....no Expert...no Psychologist/Social Worker....no Priest or Minister....no College Prof or Researcher in the Sciences....can tell you that you should not. We carry enough doubt after the death of a loved one. We don't need to add more pressure based on the biases and beliefs of others.
So if you think it might lend some ease for you, ask a trusted friend or community for a recommendation.
If it is not for you...that's cool too.
The main point is: Love DOES continue. NO ONE can tell YOU how to grieve. We each must approach our grief as we feel serves us best AND that can change from one moment to the next or one month or year to the next.
We do grow around that wound.
We don't have to seek closure...somehow close the door on our loved one(s).
It is our choice how we choose to grow with our grief.
We still love. We still breathe. We still can honor our person and speak their name.
I recommend this episode....all of them actually because I appreciate David Kessler's approach very much and believe him to broadly resonate with many.
Here is the link:
Quotes from the podcast:
closure is more akin to a comma than a period
grief is a work in progress
being spiritual doesn't replace the loved one
the love doesn't stop...I don't want to give grief that power
we grow through what we go through
recognize that the connection continues
death makes life valuable....(we begin to understand the brevity)
our loved one's life was precious......so is ours (self care is vital)
So be kind to yourself. Do what YOU need to do. Reach out if you need or want. I've gotten good at listening. Let yourself be seen and heard.
Sending LOVE to you and yours on the other side.