One thing about losing your Beloved....at age 68....having never lived alone in all those years....is that you have to learn to face that demon of loneliness
I've spent years learning to meditate...calm my mind...listen to my 'higher self witness'....create for the sheer joy of creating....sing for the joy of singing.....question my thoughts...continue to live with as much conscious awareness as I can manage at any moment
David and I used to say that we were in 'Church' every single day.His ex-sister in law once told us that we shouldn't live in sin (he had moved in with me) and that we should go to church too. He explained that we didn't need to go to church to find 'god'...it was part of our daily life.
And it was true....
though we had many struggles...individually and together
.......after all...nearly 30 years is bound to reveal all the opportunities for growth and change that any two people could allow room for........
we did still hold to the idea of helping each other to a wiser connection to the Ineffable
I suppose he is there now.........
part of that continuum of consciousness.......or maybe nowhere at all
I surely am not smart or connected enough to know anything for certain
He wrote every day as he learned to be more accepting of the ultimate lack of control that any of us have.....though don't get me wrong...in the immediate environment and plane that we exist on we at the very least make choices and actions that 'seem' to impact our circumstance........
if nothing else we stand up, sit down, lay down and walk around
So now...in this pandemic panic (or maybe it is not panic but just humans being human....warts and all)
I am further isolated...
further from direct contact with hugs and eye contact
though at least for now this virtual connection serves to alleviate some of the loneliness
and there it is.....loneliness
and the guy I was spending time with....well...
he seems to have burned out
and maybe it was just distraction for me
something/someone to make me still feel cherished by another who would touch me and make me laugh and 'be' with me while 'doing' the things people do together
I craved that....because I missed that
and I HAD that with David
and was not alone
But, we are ALL alone - together
Even though David took his last breath beside me....
He died alone
He was the only one who could do that
We live in little bags of bones
Our thoughts our own
and the paradox is....
we are ALL intimately connected
even the ones we want nothing to do with.......
and lonely...is a craving for what we already have...but don't know how to access.....
and alone....is the place where we recognize at last that connection and no longer project it outside of ourselves
For 30 years...I projected David as the 'Dream'....so that I could have that intimacy as an external experience....
(did I just cross a line of culturally acceptable continuity for you? gone to the woo woo???)
Maybe that is only me looking to alleviate the loneliness in my effort to be ok alone?